Loneliness

We humans are social animals. If we are abandoned as an infant or young child, we first protest by screaming, then we quietly withdraw, and finally after about two weeks we become detached and apathetic. Abandoned, we will joylessly play with others some but there is no emotional inolvement Infants may actually die if they are not played with, talked to, held, stroked, and "loved." Some species of monkeys also die when abandoned by their mothers.

Social contact is a powerful need. About 20% of us are feeling lonely at any one time. Almost all of us are lonely sometimes. But 1 in 5 Americans do not have a friend with whom they could discuss a personal problem.

A few years ago Bob Greene wrote a column about the cruelty of children and described a shy 12-year-old boy who was given a card by his classmates that said: "THE MOST UNPOPULAR STUDENT AWARD: __\(his name)\__." The kid was crushed. Mr. Greene got a tremendous response from his readers saying they remembered similar times in their lives 30 and 40 years ago. One man wrote, "...whenever I am feeling down, I realize that inside of me that little boy still lives: the little boy who sat alone at home because nobody wanted to play with him."

Others recalled the deep hurt, intense pain, and self-blame that they felt when ostracized by more popular classmates. They felt so ashamed, they couldn't talk to anybody about it. Between 10% and 20% of all children and adolescents, especially the poor, are lonely a lot of the time, not just sometime during the month.

Loneliness is more than being alone. In fact, many if not most people enjoy solitude. Loneliness is missing and longing for some kind of human interaction (even if you are in a crowd or in an "empty shell marriage"). The kind of contact missed varies greatly, e.g. one could miss one particular person or one kind of social interaction (e.g. at work or old friends or emotional intimacy in a love relationship) or social activity in general.

Indeed, some writers distinguish between social loneliness, which is not being part of a group of friends, and emotional loneliness, which is not being intimate with or able to depend on anyone. Aloneness can also be spiritual --a feeling of separation from God--or existential --an awareness of our individual separateness. All these forms of aloneness contribute to depression.

However, the Existentialists believe, as did Thoreau, that aloneness is the human condition--we are born alone, we alone direct our lives, and we, in the same sense, die alone. Sure, lives touch and even join for a while, but you remain a separate person. These therapists say being alone is important for gaining perspective and growth. Thus, they distinguish between loneliness, which is wholesome, and the fear of being alone.

Some people are people addicts: they can't stand to be alone. We need to be our own best friend, but you only get to know that "best friend" when you are alone--and not playing social roles.

I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.

-Thoreau

Keep in mind the radical changes in our society since Thoreau's day or when your grandparents and great-grandparents were young. Our dependency on people has increased enormously. A hundred years ago most Americans lived on farms and were very independent, perhaps seeing a neighbor once or twice a week and going to town to shop every two weeks or so. In that situation, if the children were starving neighbors would give food, but if the children were kept home from school or "married off" at 13, no one would intervene.

In those years the heroes were explorers, like Daniel Boone, and the pioneer settlers--rugged, self-reliant, "free" individualists. Today, no one is that independent. We are far more reliant on suppliers of goods, on governments, on service agencies, on police and courts, on social and church organizations, on schools, on friends, on TV and music, etc.

As we become more and more dependent on other people, including on our families until age 22 or so, we are more needy and more likely to long for social contacts when none is available. We are unaware of our ever-increasing dependency.

What feelings are involved in being lonely? Rubinstein and Shaver (1982a) found four kinds of emotions: (1) desperation (helpless, afraid), (2) depressed (empty, self-pity), (3) impatient boredom (bored, angry, restless), and (4) self-criticism (I'm ugly, stupid, worthless). Loneliness seems to lower our self-esteem and low self-esteem seems to contribute to loneliness. It is circular... and both contribute to depression.

Why are we lonely? There are 100's of answers: we have lost a relationship; we feel unneeded and different from others; we are aggressive and bossy and drive people away; we are misunderstood; circumstances force us to be alone; we recently moved; we have unusually strong social or intimacy needs; poor family and peer relationships in childhood lead to loneliness; the discrepancy between what we want socially and what we get generates disappointment; a mobile society forces us apart; shyness, lack of social skills, and low self-esteem increase isolation; difficulty self-disclosing limits friendships; watching TV deepens loneliness; cultural values of competition and independence may isolate us; no close, personal relationship with God increases aloneness; the foolish but romantic belief that love solves all problems may increase loneliness.

Some think success in our society is defined in terms of having a "best friend" from 7-13, a "boy/girlfriend" from 13-23 or so, and a spouse ever after. In fact, our culture still encourages us to believe that romantic love and marriage will solve all our problems. Then, when we marry our "true love," we destroy our love by expecting too much of it. In the end, our partner can't meet all our needs, we have left our family and old friends behind, we have lost our dream and, now, aren't sure how to meet our needs.

Research confirms that marriage isolates women (but not men) from friends, and men (but not women) from confidants (Fischer & Phillips, 1982). The isolation from friends and confidants causes unhappiness. If you ask people, "What contributes most to your happiness?", married people say: (1) being in love, (2) marriage and children, (3) the partner's happiness, (4) a job, for men; personal growth, for women, and (5) sex. For singles it's: (1) friends and social life, (2) being in love, (3) job, (4) recognition and success, and (5) sex.

Conclusion: human contact, in some form, is vitally important to our happiness.

To love and to be loved is life's greatest joy.

To do something about loneliness, you need to know the unique causes in your case. If a person says, "I can't make friends," what does that really mean? It could mean that no one is available in the current situation? Or, it could mean "I don't know how to do it--what would I say?" Or, it could mean "I know how but I just can't bring myself to do it--I'm shy and inhibited." Or, "I'm too nervous to do it--I'd fall apart and make a fool of myself." Or, "they aren't going to like me--I'm too dull and quiet."

Obviously, these different answers reflect different assumed causes and outcomes (the real causes and outcomes may be different) and suggest different ways of handling the loneliness. Some causes seem more treatable than others; certain attributions (explanations) provide more hope than others. When lonely and non-lonely students were asked to explain their interpersonal successes and failures, the lonely more often attributed their failures to a lack of ability and permanent character traits ("I'm dull and uninteresting") rather than poor strategy, lack of effort, their mood, or other factors. Therefore, they feel there is no hope.

Remember that underachievers were thought to be motivated to fail in order to avoid scary future responsibilities. Likewise, some depressed people appear to fail in order to avoid people expecting them to do something in the future. Now, there is a theory that lonely people, who also have a low opinion of themselves (extensive research documents low self-esteem, shame, and self-blame), are strongly motivated to avoid contact with others. Why? So they will not get more negative feedback.

Lonely adolescents unwittingly adopt harmful ways of escaping the sadness, including: getting excessively involved with an idol, often a recording artist, film star, or a sports hero. Another unproductive coping mechanism is to deny any interest in socializing more or in relating more intimately: "I'm not interested in having a girl/boyfriend." Other young people deny that they

feel lonely: "I really didn't want to go out."

This self-conning reduces their motivation to change. Finally, rather than developing social skills and meaningful relationships, a person can find other forms of gratification or escape, such as drinking, drugs, partying, TV, reading, and other "fun." Gaining awareness of these escape mechanisms might help the person get motivated to learn social skills and build his/her self-esteem.

When people are asked "What do you do when you get lonely?", about 50% say: read, listen to music, and/or call a friend. Altogether, their responses can be grouped into five categories: (1) sad passivity (cry, sleep, watch TV, drink, take drugs, eat, do nothing), (2) active solitude (work, read, write, listen to music, exercise, involved with hobby), (3) spend money, improve appearance, (4) reason with one's self: "I have had friends," "I have good qualities," "It won't last forever," "What can I do?" and (5) call or visit a friend, help someone, join support groups (Rubinstein & Shaver, 1982b; Rook & Peplau, 1982).

The first category--sad passivity--is common for the lonely; they seem to be saying, "I'm sad and helpless; love me, take care of me." The other categories are pretty good self-help methods. Peplau and her colleagues at UCLA (Peplau & Perlman, 1982) have observed how new students cope with loneliness. Several findings are of interest. First, the students who were still lonely after seven months had tried the same behavioral and mental techniques as the students who had overcome their loneliness. The main differences were these initial attitudes among the lonely: lower self-esteem, expecting less out of relationships, and blaming the lack of friends on their changeable personal traits.

The same cognitive characteristics found by other researchers. Second, the people who overcame being lonesome had developed more friendships, not necessarily more dating relationships although dating helps. Third, overcoming loneliness wasn't so much how many friendships one had make, more important was the quality and depth of the friendships. So, skills at getting intimate may be more important than skills at meeting people.