Handling Failure

How we handle failure is critical. An achiever acquires confidence and pride by taking on challenging life goals, by using good models and methods for getting there, and by putting in the time and effort to make the accomplishments meaningful. In contrast, a low achiever, preoccupied with avoiding failure, will either choose an extremely easy task or a very difficult one. Neither task puts him/her to a test, both the very easy and the impossible are cop outs.

The achiever is "mastery-oriented;" the low achiever is "performance-oriented," that is, he or she is most concerned with avoiding failure and looking good, not with learning or mastery. In contrast, the mastery-oriented person welcomes tough challenges because he/she is most concerned with learning something worthwhile, not building an image. After a failure, such a person would say, "Okay, I didn't win but what a learning experience! I'll practice another approach and then try again."

To the extent that more effort and learning better skills would significantly improve our performance, it is important to take control of the situation, rather than blaming our poor performance on factors that are not under our control. In short, to manage our life we have to take responsibility for it--take charge. It is the reason we give ourselves for the failure that determines how we feel:

Explanation for Failure	Feeling	Solution
"I need more practice"	Confident, motivated	Gain skills, try again
"I can't do it"	Inadequacy, hopeless	Work harder, learn more skills, or accept situation
"I didn't work hard enough"	Self-critical	Try harder, use better methods & time management
"It was too hard for me"	Inadequacy, sad or mad	Develop better skills or strategies; lower goals
"It was _____'s fault"	Anger, unfairly treated	Assertiveness, demand justice; be responsible
"I had bad luck”	Disappointed, surprised	Look for other reasons & try again

After a disappointing performance, it is important to ask yourself, "Honestly, now, what were the causes? What can I do about each of those causes?" A wise person will guard against assuming unchangeable factors are the sole causes of his or her problem and learn instead to concentrate on the factors (causes) he or she is able to change. Almost no complex behavior is totally caused by fixed factors, such as heredity, innate ability, physiological factors (height), etc. Most behaviors can be improved.

Don't discount the importance of learning in any performance. Remember how many hours goes into making an outstanding star in any sport, often 4 to 6 or more hours a day for years, starting at 6 or 8 years of age or younger. If any of our current "stars" had an identical twin who had never played their sport, no doubt the twin, like you, would say, "Wow, I could never skate or dive or shoot or hit like that."

Most failures don't prove a lack of ability, they reflect a lack of effort or learnable skill. In most areas we will never know our limits because we will never push ourselves to the limit. It is obvious that some of the "reasons" above are excuses for our failures. Self-handicapping is a similar process, except it occurs before the performance rather than after. Common excuses arranged in advance for a poor performance are: I'm very tired, sick, drunk, anxious, unprepared and so on.

Self-handicapping excuses do reduce some immediate anxiety and disappointment after failure, but in the long run they usually lower our self-esteem and increase our fears. Why? Because we haven't performed very well in the past and because a part of us knows we are deceiving ourselves and others. Pride is primarily felt when we truly "do our best."

Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, expecting too much, and sometimes too easy, not expecting or trying to do our best. You may be too uptight about achieving your dreams; you might not be uptight enough to achieve them. Ideally, one would be inspired by his/her ambitions and visions of the future, but down-to-earth enough to accept (for the moment) whatever he or she actually accomplishes. All of us need to ask, "How can I do better?" It reminds you that you are in control and don't have to do poorly.

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

If you would like further information, or wish to speak to a counselor, feel free to contact the EAP at 866/443-3277.